1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,960 This place, man, this... this place, it's screwing me up. 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,960 I need to be out there, on the streets. 3 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960 I'm like a caged tiger in here. 4 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,960 Yeah? And there's something you people don't know about me. 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,960 I killed a man. Hm? And I'll kill again. 6 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960 DEV EXHALES 7 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960 Thanks. That's great. 8 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,960 I think we've seen all we need to see. 9 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,960 I can do it louder, you know. Sexier. Irish? 10 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960 No, no. I think we're good. 11 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960 Thing is, I've just started this 18-week course, you know. 12 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,800 It's pretty full-on, so... I don't think it'll be a problem. 13 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:35,960 Really? It will be hard to get time off. 14 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,960 I really don't think it'll be a problem. OK, sweet. 15 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,960 Thank you so much. See you soon. 16 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,960 Morning. SING-SONGY: Morning! 17 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960 There we go. 18 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960 Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 19 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960 I don't think they are wet, are they, Melanie? 20 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960 As you wish. Just a thought. 21 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,320 So, how are we this wonderful Wednesday morning? 22 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,960 It's Thursday. Is it? 23 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:12,960 Yeah. What happened to Wednesday? 24 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960 Took place yesterday. Oh. 25 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,960 What does Timothy Timetable say for Thursday? 26 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960 Questions, questions, questions. 27 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,640 Pardon me for inhaling and exhaling. No, questions, Bob. 28 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,960 Interview and interrogation technique, how to listen properly. 29 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960 Glisten? Listen. 30 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960 Ah, listen. 31 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:35,960 I intend to use this module as a means to skewer the prune. 32 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,960 And is there, erm, any investigation that I can help with? 33 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,960 I don't really think that's your area, is it, Melanie? 34 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,960 Well, two brains and all that. You haven't got two brains. 35 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:46,960 No, I just meant... 36 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,960 I know what you meant, and the answer is no-o-o. 37 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960 You'll just feed it back to Bilbo Bobbins. 38 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:57,960 I have a question. Er, Thursday. 39 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960 Yes, yes, but don't you think she needs to be stopped? 40 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,160 Do I? Ah, yes, yes, I do. 41 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,960 But you haven't done anything about it. 42 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960 I absolutely have! 43 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960 I've, er, I made a note to address that very issue, 44 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960 and I wrote... I wrote it down. 45 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,320 I was... I was... I was going to write it down. 46 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,960 No, no, no! 47 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960 She's going to snatch the glory right from under your nose! 48 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960 I can fend off her snatch, don't you worry about that. 49 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,640 Do you honestly think she'd be able to outmanoeuvre Bob Weekes? 50 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:23,960 I'll take care of it. I'm on it. 51 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:24,960 I'll take care of it. On it. 52 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,640 Care of it! 53 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960 Come on, Bob, you're on it. 54 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960 On it. On... 55 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,960 On what? On-On-On the prowl. Yes? No, on the... on the job. 56 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,160 On the job? Or on the blob? Not the blob. 57 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,960 Bloody Steph A. 58 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960 I mean, what does he even see in her? 59 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960 Beats me. She must have a banging personality. 60 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960 It's pathetic. He's being so... What, basic? 61 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960 Yes. Yes, basic. 62 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:50,960 Would you go for someone like that? 63 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,960 Nice guns, and he's got charisma as well, I'll give him that. No. 64 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:54,960 Not him. Her. 65 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,960 Oh. Erm, I think she's a little bit out of my league. 66 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,960 Yeah. Like me. Erm... 67 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:01,960 Like me. No, I just... 68 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,320 Like me. All right, all right. 69 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,000 Just give me a minute. You are very rude. 70 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,480 Look, I'm just saying, 71 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,480 I'm sure there's plenty of other Mikes in the sea. 72 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,960 I want that one. 73 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960 Why? If that isn't a rude question. 74 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,960 Because I don't fail and I don't lose. Right. 75 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,960 Well, you know, you could just hang around 76 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960 and wait to see if she farts during sex. 77 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:21,960 Or I could kill her. 78 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:28,960 All right, settle. Settle! BOB MUTTERS 79 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960 Interrogation technique, part two! JULIE CLEARS THROAT 80 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,960 There are various ways 81 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,960 to make the extraction of important information 82 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960 just a little more exciting. 83 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:39,960 Electrodes. 84 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,000 Er... just little ones, not wired or anything, 85 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,960 just cold on the flesh. 86 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:45,960 No, not electrodes. 87 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960 That is part three. GASPING LAUGH 88 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,160 Let's start with the traditional good cop, bad cop scenario. 89 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,960 Which one do you want me to be? 90 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,960 JULIE LAUGHS 91 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 92 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960 Oh, I'm sorry. I can... I can do bad. 93 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960 JULIE LAUGHS 94 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960 Oh, dear. 95 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,960 Oh, OK. 96 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960 All right, first up, Student Officer Hanzel. 97 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960 Come up, please. OK. 98 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,640 Take a seat. AFIA: Go on, Dev. 99 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,480 Thank you. Thank you. Let's find some truth. 100 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,960 Have you got any notes for my character? 101 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,960 Shut it, scum-brain! Oh, we've started? OK. 102 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,960 H-Have we? Have we started? I ask the sodding questions. 103 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,960 Would you like a cup of tea, Dev? I said, I ask the questions. 104 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 I... Thank you. 105 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,800 Why are you here, Hanzel? 106 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,960 To be a policeman. No, why are you REALLY here? 107 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,640 To be a policeman. What are you really, Hanzel? 108 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:57,960 A policeman. Would you like a cup of tea? 109 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,960 Tell me the truth, or I will tear your fucking nuts off with my teeth! 110 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,960 A policeman. SHOUTS: You're lying to me! 111 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960 Barakat, get the electrodes! No, no, no! 112 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960 What are you? 113 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,960 An actor. TEARFULLY: I'm an actor. 114 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,480 Deep down, that's what I am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 115 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,960 Fuck! I knew that bit. Not what I was looking for. 116 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,960 OK, go on, piss off. Chabra, you're in. 117 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,960 Tea, sandwiches, fresh fruit or a biscuit? 118 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,640 Right, stand there. 119 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:29,960 What did I do? 120 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960 I've been doing some random checks for Superintendent Weekes, 121 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960 and your personnel report has gone AWOL. 122 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,960 Now, I could hack into the mainframe and do a deep dive on you... 123 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,000 N-No, don't. It's... 124 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,960 Listen, why don't we just go for a drink? 125 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:42,960 What? 126 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960 You know, you're... Oh, you're just so beautiful. 127 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,640 I know. But you're not. Oh. W-What? 128 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,960 Anyway, like I said, I could hack in, 129 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,960 but why would I bother when I've got my twat-catcher? 130 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960 HE STAMMERS What does it do? 131 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,960 As you walk towards it, if the little feathers flutter 132 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960 or the little bells tinkle, I'll know that you're a wrong 'un, 133 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,160 a devious, untrustworthy twat. 134 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,480 Is it broken? What? 135 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,960 What? No. It's not... It's not broken. Obviously. 136 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,160 Well, the twat-catcher never lies. Oh. 137 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,960 You may go about your business. 138 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480 Oh, OK, well... 139 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:30,960 ...thank you. 140 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,960 I mean, God, it's just so correct. Technology, eh? 141 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,960 It's mental. 142 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,320 Go. 143 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,960 LEGGO CLEARS THROAT 144 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960 Interview commencing, 11:56. 145 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,960 Those present, Student Officer Ryan Legland, 146 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960 Sergeant Michael Gunn and, er, some other people as well. 147 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:55,960 This interview is being recorded. 148 00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,960 Now, suspect name, Stephanie "The Slug" Jackson. 149 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960 You are playing with fire, just saying. 150 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,960 So, Miss Jackson, how do you know Sergeant Michael Gunn? 151 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,480 He is a fellow officer... Mm-hm. 152 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,960 ...and a friend, which of course, you know. Hm. 153 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,960 A friend? OK. How does he treat you? 154 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,160 Oh, he's not a doctor. 155 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,320 I think the question's quite clear, actually. 156 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,960 Does he treat you the way that you deserve to be treated? 157 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,800 Well, he's not always fully focused. 158 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,960 Someone who's highly attractive and smart, witty... 159 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,960 He's not that witty... or smart, to be honest. 160 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,960 Not him. 161 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960 You. 162 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960 I thought you said I wasn't your type? Mm. 163 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960 Role playing, obviously. Oh, obviously. 164 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960 This is the... Yeah. 165 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,960 Don't let things go quiet! 166 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960 And remember, anyone who says "no comment" 167 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960 definitely has something to hide. 168 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960 Continue. 169 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960 Do you actually know what you want? 170 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,800 I wanna talk to my lawyer. 171 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,960 Your lawyer is being brutally assaulted in a holding cell. 172 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,960 You're a bent copper, you are. I know my rights. 173 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960 Right, shut it, you slug. Call me a slug again. 174 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,960 THEY GIGGLE Ow! That hit me in the face! 175 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,480 Click. Interview terminated, 11:57. 176 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:11,960 What's happening here? 177 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,480 BOTH: No comment. 178 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:15,960 LEGGO CHUCKLES Right. 179 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:16,960 Up you get. 180 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,960 OK, so, er, it is time to split up. 181 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960 Split up? You mean, we've been together this whole time? 182 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960 No. You and Legland. What? 183 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960 I'm putting you in another pairing. But why? 184 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960 Because you two don't work together as a team. 185 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,960 You're being childish and giggly. 186 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,160 I think Leggo and I are making headway. 187 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,960 You and Leggo can stop making headway. 188 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960 That doesn't make sense. Yes, it does. 189 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960 In what way? 190 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,160 In the way that makes proper sense to people 191 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,800 if you know what sense it is... that you're talking about. 192 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:45,960 Right. 193 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,960 You... Don't make any headway! OK? 194 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,800 Oh, Bob! 195 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,960 Can I have two hours for lunch? 196 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,960 Goodness me, you are a Hungry Hilda. 197 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,960 No, I'm going on a date... 198 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960 WHISPERS: ...with Julie's ex-girlfriend. 199 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960 Pardon? We've hooked up on PinkCupid. 200 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960 Goodness me. Do you...? Do you find her attractive? 201 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:13,960 No. No! 202 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,960 No, I'm gonna worm my way into her confidence 203 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960 to dig up Julie's dirty laundry, literally, if necessary. 204 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960 And how are you going to do that? 205 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:22,960 Well, I'll walk in... Yeah. 206 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,480 Erm, you... you be her. You be her. Mm. 207 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960 Mm. Oh, there you are. 208 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960 Hello. Hello. 209 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960 Martin. Me-Me-Melanie. Melanie. 210 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,160 Erm, i-it's nice to be on a date with you. 211 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,960 Oh, that sounds really nice. 212 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960 Pardon? Nothing. Nothing. 213 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960 Erm, hello, Catherine. Hello. 214 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,960 I understand you've recently been in a six-year relationship. Yes. 215 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,960 Er, my ex, Julie, is a p-police superintendent, 216 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960 and she's probably very jealous of her colleague, Bob, 217 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,800 who is also a, er, superintendent. 218 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,960 Oh, jealousy is a terrible thing, Catherine. Yes. 219 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,960 I wonder, is there any reason why she might not be promoted 220 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960 to a position of authority? 221 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,960 Well, let me have a think. Erm... 222 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960 And then we probably kiss. 223 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,960 Yeah. Er, they'd, er... They probably would, I imagine. 224 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960 Erm... HE CHUCKLES 225 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,960 Good luck. Erm, hope it goes well. Aw. 226 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,800 Good luck. 227 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,960 And when the suspect is being especially difficult, 228 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,160 we pull out this little baby. 229 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,960 I'm not a baby, I just don't wanna do it. 230 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960 She meant the polygraph, Paul. No, I didn't. 231 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,960 Why can't we see you sit in the hot-seat, ma'am? 232 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,000 Could warm your cheeks a little. 233 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,320 Because I'd rather slice my own head off with a cheese wire. 234 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,960 OK, Huggins. 235 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,800 Er, green is for truth, red is for a lie. 236 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,960 Are you ready? Mm-hm. 237 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,960 Have you ever fantasised about me in a less-than-appropriate way? 238 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,000 Erm... 239 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960 Y-Yeah. 240 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,960 Of course. Everybody has. 241 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960 That was the control question, wasn't it, Huggins? 242 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960 Sorry, I don't understand. 243 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,960 To make sure that the machine is working. 244 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960 OK, next question, nice and easy. 245 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960 And remember, this is just an exercise. 246 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,960 Are you a mole? 247 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,960 Erm... no. 248 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960 Course not, look at you. 249 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960 OK. Go on, join the others. Jackson, you're up next. 250 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960 Do you think I look like a mole? 251 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960 Do you want to? No. 252 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,160 Maybe it's the haircut. 253 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,000 You've never seen a mole before, have you? No. 254 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:32,960 OK, Stephanie Jackson, a nice, easy control question to start with. 255 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,960 Do you have a little twinge down below for somebody at this college? 256 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,160 Possibly. 257 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960 Is it one of the trainers? Yes. 258 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,320 Is it one of the students? No. 259 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,960 STEPH LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 260 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,960 What? Oh, no, the thing is th-that polygraphs are affected 261 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,960 by nervousness, fear, confusion. 262 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960 Th-They don't... They don't actually know how to differentiate 263 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:00,960 between different types of anxiety. 264 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Mm-hm, OK. Moving on... 265 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,960 Sorry, can you just ask me the twinge question again, please? 266 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,960 I think we've all had enough twinging of your minge, don't you? 267 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,960 This is PAVA spray, OK? 268 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,960 I thought we were supposed to be doing interviewing? 269 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,640 There comes a time when the talking has to stop. 270 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,960 And that time is pretty much right at the start. Force the confession. 271 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960 DAZ LAUGHS 272 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,640 PAVA spray is synthetic, but it is basically pepper spray. 273 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:33,960 Oh, it must be already ground, is it? 274 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:34,960 What? 275 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,960 Well, there can't be, like, a grinder in the can, surely? 276 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960 It's a jet of liquid, it's not pepper like salt and pepper. 277 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,960 Yeah. Yeah, I... Yeah, I know. No, you didn't. 278 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,960 BREATHLESSLY: You... You... 279 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,960 You thought it was pepper like you sprinkle on your avocado. 280 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960 Sorry, I actually didn't. 281 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,800 Yeah, you thought you'd have to get it 282 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:53,960 about six inches from someone's nose. 283 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960 No, I didn't. Make 'em sneeze a bit. 284 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960 I'm not stupid, oh, my God. DAZ LAUGHS 285 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,960 It was a joke. What? 286 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,960 Is there a grinder in the can? I mean, come on. 287 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,800 WHOOSHES, LAUGHTER Yeah, duh. 288 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,320 Hey, don't "duh" me. 289 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,960 LAUGHTER STOPS Don't. 290 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960 Did you "duh" me? No. 291 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960 I was just saying Der... mot O'Leary. 292 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,960 Why? Because you really remind me of him. 293 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,960 I actually think he's very good looking. 294 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,960 DAZ CHUCKLES Fair enough. 295 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,960 This is painful. Nice. 296 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,960 I will just example you how it will be used. 297 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:40,800 An officer will adopt a good strong, stable firing stance. 298 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,960 And I'm gonna fire it, short, sharp bursts. 299 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:44,960 Spray! 300 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,960 Ugh, instant boner. 301 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,960 Urgh! 302 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,960 PAVA spray is a tactical option, 303 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,960 for instance if the subject has got a bat in his hand. 304 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960 Why would he have a bat in his hand? 305 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,960 Well, to hit ya. Oh, right, like a big baseball bat. 306 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,960 Well, yeah. What did you think, a ping-pong bat? 307 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960 No, I thought you meant, like, them bats you get in caves. 308 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,640 For fuck's sake, mate. 309 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,960 Right, who wants a go? 310 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960 How about you, sugar tits? Have to tell Mike he's lost his bird. 311 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,960 Clearly fancies me, don't she, eh? DAZ LAUGHS 312 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,800 Come on, big boy. All right, come on, then. 313 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:21,960 Smart arse. 314 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,960 Let's see how smart you are when the action kicks off, yeah? 315 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960 Spray the dummy. 316 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960 GASPING ALL: Ooh... 317 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,960 What you doing? Following orders. Duh. 318 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960 DAZ SCREAMS 319 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960 Ooh... 320 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:42,960 Oh, shit. 321 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960 Oh, how did it go? 322 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,960 Not that I am supposed to know, erm, or am I? 323 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960 I can't remember. 324 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960 OK, Bobster. Bobster. 325 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960 I got her hammered, and she was very loose-lipped, 326 00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,960 and horrible, and I made a list. 327 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960 Superintendent Spry has a sluggish bowel 328 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960 and can go seven days without a movement. Mm. 329 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960 She uses the windscreen wipers too often, 330 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960 claps when the aeroplane lands. 331 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960 Refused to pick up their dog's poos, 332 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960 and lies to homeless people about having no change. 333 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:16,960 That's a lot. 334 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960 She came up with 93... 93! 335 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,000 ...of these. At that point, yeah, she got a bit maudlin. 336 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,960 I had to walk her home, there were some tears, some anger. 337 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960 Yeah. Some fumbling with dungarees. 338 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960 "Dungareeseses." What is the point of them? 339 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,160 Now, regarding the plan to release all of this to the public, 340 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,960 well, there's good news and there's bad news. 341 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960 Right, what's the good news? Tend to prefer that. 342 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,960 Superintendent Spry clearly has a vindictive streak 343 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,960 a mile wider than we already thought, 344 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960 and will stop at nothing to get her way. 345 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,960 If I put even half of this on social media, 346 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,480 well, she'll be cancelled. 347 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,960 And the bad news? 348 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960 Superintendent Spry clearly has a vindictive streak 349 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960 a mile wider than we already thought, 350 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,160 and will stop at nothing to get her way. 351 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,480 Mm, well. 352 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,960 We'd end up as a pile of gnawed bones. 353 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960 I don't want to be a pile of gnawed bones. No. 354 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960 So... So, plan B, then? That was plan B. 355 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960 Plan... 356 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:02,960 COUGHS ...C? 357 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960 Well, I suppose we just rely on institutionalised sexism 358 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,960 and hope she doesn't get a promotion 359 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,960 because women are too emotional and just generally a bit weedy. 360 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,640 Right, oh, well, fingers crossed. Yeah. 361 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:19,960 GASPS 362 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960 HEAVY BREATHING 363 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960 GASPING, GROANING 364 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,480 If you're trying to impress me, Daz, it's not working. 365 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960 Right, well, it is a bit, but it's not appropriate. 366 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960 Ah, little bitch. 367 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,960 You can't talk to me like that, 368 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960 I'm the only reason this place doesn't fall apart. 369 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960 Not you. Legland. PHONE CHIMES 370 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,960 Oh, God, it's Catherine. Who's Catherine? 371 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,320 Superintendent Spry's ex. 372 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,960 She's in love with me, 373 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960 and she thinks we should start a new life together in Anglesey. 374 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,320 Oh, Anglesey's all right. 375 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,960 It may well be, it's the other bits I have a slight problem with. 376 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,960 Well, pie her off, then. Well, I've tried hinting. 377 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960 Say her minge stinks. That's what I do. 378 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,960 Not with Catherine, just in these situations generally. 379 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960 "Catherine, this may sound strange 380 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:21,960 "as I've never been near your nether regions, but..." 381 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:25,960 You wanted to see me, 382 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960 and presumably it's about arranging a threesome. 383 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,960 Ah, come in, Legland. We have breaking news. 384 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,960 Ooh, have they released new dates for Taylor Swift? 385 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:34,960 Here's the thing... Yes! 386 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,960 We were OK with the cheeky chappie. Oh, cheeky. 387 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,960 Class clown. Even the open abuse. 388 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,960 We could overlook all of that, given your family ties. 389 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,960 Well, my dad does have a fantastic paisley patterned cravat. 390 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:47,960 You found a way around us. 391 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960 Don't tell me I've outwitted the UK's top law enforcement duo? 392 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960 Being a little shit is one thing, Legland, but this - 393 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,960 this, I'm afraid, is quite another. 394 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,480 OK. To be fair, I was a bit inept. I'm not the only guilty of that. 395 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,960 Huggins isn't doing it deliberately, though, is he? 396 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,960 Meant Bob, but whatever. I have got ears. 397 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960 It was assault. There you go. 398 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,960 I don't want that. 399 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,960 If you do your job recklessly, you put your own life in danger, 400 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,160 which personally, I'd be quite happy about, 401 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,960 but more importantly, 402 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,640 you put the public and your fellow officers at risk, 403 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960 and that I cannot have. 404 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960 What are you saying? 405 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960 I'm saying you're out of here. 406 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,960 Finished. Expelled. Seriously? 407 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,480 Oh, hang on, I can say, "You're fired." 408 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,000 I've spoken to your parents, they understand, 409 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,960 and they've left it all to my discretion. 410 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,960 OK. Well, brilliant. 411 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,960 Look, you have made a young boy's dream come true. 412 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,960 My pleasure. Oh, so do we hug? Is that...? 413 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,960 No, just leave your uniform, warrant card, kit. 414 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960 And say your goodbyes. Sure. Goodbye. 415 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,960 Bye. Love you. 416 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,960 Love you too. No, I don't. 417 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:57,960 Oh, fucking hell, Bob. 418 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,160 What's going on? What happened? 419 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,960 I'm going. Going home? 420 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960 Nope. Er, yes, but I'm not coming in tomorrow. 421 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,960 Oh, what, you got a day off? No, I'm taking every day off. 422 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960 Nah, you can't take every day off, you wanker, you'll fail. 423 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,320 No, I won't fail, cos I'm no longer taking part. You wanker. 424 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,960 But what does that mean? It means someone who masturbates. 425 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,800 No, how come you won't be taking part? 426 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,960 I'm off the training course. It's game over. 427 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,960 Is it really? Yep, Geeta, it is. 428 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,640 You can't just go, man, seriously. 429 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,320 Can't stand the heat on the street, I guess. 430 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,960 Listen, you may have noticed, 431 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960 I've been trying to bunk off since day one, so... 432 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960 Goodbye, then, man. I'm gonna miss you. 433 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,640 Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too, man. 434 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:36,960 I won't see you. 435 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960 Hey, look, you know, 436 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960 maybe you can arrest me sometime when you're qualified. 437 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960 That sounds really nice. 438 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,960 Does, doesn't it? Thanks, mate. 439 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,960 Well, have a good life, I suppose. No hard feelings. 440 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960 God, no. Mm. 441 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,960 Mm. We're not so different, you and me. 442 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960 This is something that you really wanna do, and I don't. 443 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,960 So, we are quite different. Yeah. 444 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,960 Geeta, bye. We'll see. 445 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,960 What d'you mean, we'll see? Right, stop it, just stop. 446 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960 STAMMERS You do the thing that you do... 447 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,640 I'm not doing anything. OK. 448 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,960 Well, thank you for always being the smartest one in the room. 449 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,320 Er, 'scuse me. 450 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,000 Yeah, er, sorry, no offence. 451 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,960 OK. Goodbye, then. 452 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,960 Not sure who's gonna insult me now. I'm sure you'll find someone. 453 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:20,960 Girl like you. 454 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960 Yeah, but no-one's quite as obnoxious as you are, though. 455 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:25,960 No, I know. 456 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:39,960 What? 457 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,960 CHOKING 458 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,960 SIGHS 459 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,960 Your flies are undone. 460 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960 Correctly operated trouser openings 461 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960 are a sign of correctly functioning brain, my father used to say. 462 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960 Oh, was he in the force? No, he was a wrestler. 463 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960 Oh, cool. What does your father do? 464 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960 Mm-hm? 465 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,960 Your father, what does he do? I haven't got one. 466 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,160 Mother? No, I haven't got one. 467 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,960 Adopted? No, nothing. 468 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,960 Well, who brought you up then, the fairies? A she-wolf? 469 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:24,960 Just... Just me, mainly. 470 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,960 Ah, self-raising. Like the flour. 471 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960 PAUL CHUCKLES Yeah. Flour man. 472 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,960 Mm. Anyway, enough of this drivel, places to be. 473 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,800 Of course, you're meeting Wendy Wax at 6.30. Enjoy. 474 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960 How the hell d'you know that? 475 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,160 Well, you... You told me that, obviously. 476 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:47,480 I told one of my young male student officers about my pubic grooming? 477 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,960 STAMMERS: Yeah, and that young little officer was me. 478 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,800 Has somebody been reading my diary? 479 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,960 No. What... What's... Whose diary? 480 00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:00,960 My diary that I keep in my private drawer in the office. 481 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,160 Ah, maybe it was... was it that... 482 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,960 oh, maybe it was lying about or something? 483 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,960 Yeah, only it wasn't. 484 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,960 Well, we're gonna have to disagree to disagree. 485 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:15,960 Question is, why would somebody be rooting around in my drawers? 486 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,480 Do you need an answer right away? 487 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,960 No. You're all right, Huggins. OK, good. 488 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960 I've heard all I need to hear. 489 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,960 Oh, glad we sorted that out, my man. CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 490 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com